Alright, so it's been a while since I've posted anything. But, to be honest, there hasn't much I've really wanted to post, unless I want this thing to become just a random place where I comment on any books/movies that I've enjoyed recently. Summer life has just been droll and rather hot and sweaty.

Until this last week. It's the week that I look forward to most of all out of any other in the year. This past week I was at FGC, the Friends General Conference. I was at the Quaker Gathering, a yearly conference in which Quakers from all across the country (with some international flavor) get together on a college campus and spend a week together taking classes, making friends, and sharing each other's religion.

This year was the last year that I'm going to be in the High School Dorm, which is sad in its own way. The structure can be oppressive sometimes, but the bonds that are formed within that community are strong and solid. I'm curious as to how well that will continue in the Adult Young Friends Dorm, but I'm sure I will enjoy it just as much.

So many of my old friends were there: Kevin, Oisin (who's from Ireland and has the best accent ever), Piper, Risa, Hilary, Zack, Ethan, Seth, Austin, Eric, Lucas, Rachel, Sam, Sophie, and so many new friends, like Meara, Bryant, Niko, Maggie, Peter, Nathan, and so many others. I missed a few of  my friends, it's true, but I hardly even noticed in the web of fun that I was having with everyone almost every single minute. And really, it was almost every single minute. Every day was packed with so many fun things, I doubt that I'll even be able to get them all down without forgetting them. But more than just being a lot of fun, it was one of the most moving and amazing spiritual experiences in my entire life.

The week started off in that exact same way, too. I went to the opening worship hosted by the Junior Gathering, which is all of the kids in Middle School or below. At first, it was just silence, but a strength was lying underneath that quiet atmosphere. Then, two older women, Jean-Marie and another that I have seen but do not know, started to sing. They crossed the circle to stand by the volleyball net around which we were circled, and others began to sing with them. I cannot recall all of what they said, but there were a multitude of peaceful, moving songs. As these women began to sing, however, the children which had been mixed in to the rest of the audience stepped forward, walking towards the paper that was hanging off of the volleyball net. Little cans of paint, which I had not noticed before, were their targets, and they removed brushes soaked with a variety of different colors and they began to create. Simple shapes appeared: trees, birds, suns, spirals, or whatever else they chose to make. There was one rather young child who created this amazing abstract piece. Watching the art that these kids were making, in combination with the passionate singing of the older members of the community, was making me near tears in the first place. But then the words began to spring up on the pieces of paper. These children, totally undirected by adults, began to write things on the paper. Peace. Love. Family. Friends. Laugh. I couldn't help myself after that... It was just too beautiful and moving. And, as if that wasn't enough, a woman began to make a labyrinth in the sand. (Labyrinths have special significance to Quakers--we enjoy walking them in our silent meditation, going straight through to the center, and then walking back out again.) As she created this path, she began to cry. At first it was just a few tears slipping down her cheeks, but by the end of it, she was nearly sobbing. The labyrinth, from where I was standing in the circle, was just a few feet away from me, so I saw it progress and her own tears grow. When she finished, I went over and wrapped her in a giant hug, thanking her for what she had done. Though several children had already started to run around the labyrinth before she had even finished it, I stepped on as one of the very first to walk it through to completion. Tears were coming down my face, but I didn't care. I was able to hold my head up high and smile through the salt that streamed down my face, accepting hugs from random strangers without a word. It was simply one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. There was no doubt in my mind that the spirit was flowing through that small, sandy volleyball court.

That was the very first thing that happened to me during the gathering. What better thing to start off my week? Afterwards I went too my workshop, too touched and amazed to do much but smile. And, immediately after walking out of the door of my workshop, I saw my Great-Aunt Mary standing on the stairs, a woman who I didn't know would even be at the Gathering and a woman who I simply adore yet never get to see. I ran over and gave her an enormous and rather loud hug and rocked with her for a moment, gushing at her presence there and my chance discovery of her. I was lucky enough to have a few meals with her and my grandmother during the course of the week.

I also had the chance to listen to a speech by Martin Luther King, Jr. that he made fifty years ago to the Society of Friends (though I can't be sure if it was FGC or not). It was an amazing and very moving speech dealing with the hate crimes and the violence towards the many black citizens of Montgomery, Alabama and how he admired the non-violent approaches of both Gandhi and the Quakers, and how he appreciated the moral and I believe fiscal support given by the Society of Friends in such hard times. It was a speech that I had never heard of and I feel so thankful to have heard it. It was from MLK's younger days, long before he gave the I Have A Dream speech, but he was still a very powerful and potent orator. He had such strength and conviction in his words, especially towards the end where he called for all of us to be maladjusted if that's what it took to accept each other. It's hard to explain outside of context, as I don't remember everything that he said, but it was still a wonderful experience and I'm glad to have gone, even if many of my friends did not.

My support group was simply amazing too. It's a mandatory experience for the high school dorm, where we all get together and talk with each other and play games and bond, as well as discuss serious issues as they may arise. Two of my greatest friends of this year were in my group, Oisin and Niko, but all of the other people in there were pretty much amazing as well. Luke, Nathan, Daniel, Nell, Liberty, Abey, and Katrina. We were such a great group, filled with so much energy and vitality (too much sometimes--it was hard to get focused sometimes), but we still managed to talk about some pretty serious issues and have some pretty moving experiences. Like when the issue of theft arose. When we were all on our out trip to the state park, someone came into our dorm and stole five iPods, including Oisin's, and around one hundred dollars in cash. Katrina needed to go and help our clerks deal with the issue, so our group came together in silent worship and held them all In the Light. Here we are, just a bunch of high school kids, but we were able to have the maturity to act like that, rather than just sit around and titter and create rumors or things like that. We came together and centered ourselves, focusing on this serious issue and helping the clerks, Katrina, and anyone who was hurt by these actions. It was truly an amazing group and I had so much fun with them all.

My workshop, too, though I originally held trepidations about it, actually turned out to be a very worthwhile experience as well. It was called "Honoring That of the Goddess Within," and was a group for high school girls to get together and explore this side of spirituality that is often ignored or passed over in our current society. Since I've been studying Goddess worship for about four years now, and this was more of an introductory course, I at first had my reservations--would this workshop really help me grow or expand in any way? I originally tried to change my workshop, but apparently I missed the deadline (which was never concretely announced), and so I was stuck with it. But, in the end, it really did turn out to be a good experience. It was rather hard for me, as it was first thing in the morning--it started at 9:00, which is 7:00 on my normal schedule back home, and I'm not a morning person... And, to make matters worse, I was on my period, so I was tired and sore and unusually grouchy first thing, so I usually wasn't in the best of moods when it all started. But, as the week went on and my hormones equalized, the experiences got better. We learned several circle dances which I hope to reuse again some day in a different setting, as well as several songs. But, more important than all of that we did these amazing guided meditations. We found our temples--mine is a meadow in the mountains surrounded by trees, rocks, and scattered with soft light and meadow flowers--and we went on journeys to find our goddess and eventually our goddess name. My Goddess, who I had seen before a year ago at Dragonfest, is this amazing woman. She's dark-skinned, African, in fact, with long flowing black hair. She's a large woman, obviously later on in years and a mother figure. Her hands are soft and silky like those of many older women. I believe throughout the course of the week She appeared to me in all three of Her forms. In the first meditation, where we are handed the child form of ourselves and the Goddess claims us as Her daughter (for some reason She handed me a long stemmed rose which then transformed into me), She was thinner and younger, though I didn't get a very good look at Her then. The next time I saw Her, when we were being shown our bodies and the acceptance of the Goddess, She was older, heavier, and She was wearing this flowing green dress (I couldn't tell with the meditation of the day before, but that's what She was wearing at Dragonfest too). Then, on the last day, where we were told our Goddess names, She was the young and youthful huntress, wandering around with no shirt on and a utility belt of hunting tools, Her upper arms chiseled and strong and Her smile vibrant and Her laugh loud. I suppose I'll have to write about these meditations in full later on. But they really were amazing experiences, and it's given me a lot to think about. Why should I, the whitest and palest girl you could ever meet, be honored by African Goddesses, and an African Goddess name? It really did impact me and I shall have to do further consideration of all of this later. I'm very glad I managed to stick through with it all.

And as if it wasn't enough to have one moving experience pushing me to tears during the week, I had another one later on towards the end.  At the Meeting for Business in the Spirit of Worship, or Business Meeting for short, I had yet another tear-filled but enjoyable time, which is saying a lot, since I don't cry. The high school business meetings usually last forever because, right as we're about to reach a consensus, another person who feels that they have not been heard will stand up and make the same argument as those before them and we'll be moved back to square one all over again. And, even though we had the horrible breach in trust with the thefts occurring this year, we managed to not have a meeting filled with drama and redundancy. It was the shortest business meeting ever, in fact. When Jean-Marie came and spoke to us, telling us that the rest of the General Conference Committee had decided to start a collection fund to reimburse all of the lost goods/money, with the extra funds going towards a scholarship fund, I couldn't help but cry as I watched her own tears fall down with the power of her message and the empathy that she felt for us all. I gave her a hug as well, thanking her for the message she had delivered to us. But that wasn't the truly moving experience. The query, which we usually don't get the chance to even consider in high school business meetings, was especially powerful. It was "How are we, as Quaker Youths, Courageously Faithful?" (Courageously Faithful was the theme for this Gathering.) It was truly moving to hear people stand up and talk about how even being here, we were courageously faithful. How, in the face of the theft that struck our community, rather than just asking that the community and those who were stolen from be held In the Light, that the person who committed these crimes would be too. I spoke as well, talking about how I, as the only Quaker in my school and the only Quaker in my family, had to be courageous in my faith in order to even hold it. But also, to be pagan in a city that does not readily accept those who are different, it is even harder. I do not readily admit the fact that I am pagan, but now... I think, after that experience, I shall try to be stronger, try to stop denying or hiding that part of myself. I'll still believe what I do, even if other people can't accept it. It was an amazing experience, and though many people started crying, the energy of the group when we returned to the dorm (an hour earlier than scheduled, even after the super-long query!) was just so high and happy and... peaceful. We were all so moved and loved. It was truly amazing.

One of the best things this year, I have to admit, was Sam. Sam, a friend that I have had for so many years, became my ucddle buddy this year. I'm not even sure how it happened exactly, but suddenly we were cuddling on the love seat as a group of people watched Supernatural. It was simple and amazing in the beginning; he would pet my hair, hold my hands, rub my shoulder, or massage my forehead (which was just so amazing) as I leaned against him, dazed in the glow of it all. Now, it would help to explain that I don't normally receive this kind of attention from men (though I seem to get a lot more of it at FGC than anywhere else), so it was a blessing in my eyes from the get go. And as the next few days passed, I took every advantage that I could to cuddle with him. I was with him during Peterson Toscano's performance of excerpts from his play, Doin' Time In The Homo No Mo Halfway House, during the AYF talent show, but the best was during our time after dinner on Friday in the basement. The last day of the Gathering. We were in the Rec Room of the AYF dorm, which was in the basement and was utterly deserted (most of the time). We were down there for the intention of taking a nap, which we did, but there was so much more. He held me and I held him and our fingers explored over each other, discovering how and where the other liked to be touched. It was soft, gentle, and silly. He made me laugh with his quirky little jokes or with the way that he would do certain things, like when he was talking to me in Japanese and he would trail off saying, "Damn, I don't know the word for sexy!" I found places that made him shudder and he found so many more on me. This is where the high school rules came into conflict. One of the rules is "No Sexual Contact," which I can understand and agree with. But it still didn't help me from feeling so frustrated. There was no doubt that we could have gotten away with so much if we had really wanted to, but Sam, the good boy that he was, didn't want to get either of us into trouble. He was so adamant about not breaking that rule that he wouldn't even kiss me, which was the saddest thing about the whole experience. There were times that he would just be practically crushing me to his chest and our mouths would be so close. My heart would be pounding in my ears and all I could think about is how much I would love for him to kiss me. Maybe if I had a bit more guts I would've done it myself. In fact, I did kiss him on the neck and on the cheek later on, but our lips never touched, which I can understand but I still regret. It's amazing to me, this whole experience. This guy who I've had a semi crush on for several years and have found attractive on several different levels suddenly feeling (or maybe just finally showing) such feelings for me and showing me such attention... I've had sex with guys before, but they never really showed the love and the attention that Sam showed me, the consideration and patience. The guys from before cared mostly about their own pleasure or experience and would push me too far too fast, but I, being submissive and fearing rejection, would say yes, even though it was something I wasn't ready to deal with quite yet. But Sam... He was simply amazing. I'll never forget the way I felt when we sat together on the floor just holding each other and listening to each other breathe. And as if that wasn't enough, he sent me the most glorious email ever, thanking me for showing him just how silly and simple romance could be... And he lives in North Carolina, and is going to Japan for a semester abroad in the fall. Why do I always fall for the ones that I can't have? I'm smitten, utterly smitten... But who can blame me?

There were so many other awesome things that I experienced this year that would have no value to anyone else that was outside of the experience, such as "The Re-Education of George W. Bush" and the AYF talent show or the after party, and it's hard to describe the awesomeness of the dance that I went to. But it simply was the best week of my life, hands down. There's not even any competition. The only thing that could've made it better was if I weren't on my period and if Sam had actually kissed me... But there will always be next year. I hope that it will be half as good again next year. I would still have an amazing time. FGC is always the thing I look forward to most out of anything during my summer, and most likely the entire year, but I never thought it would be this good...